Terri spanks her kids on the hand. But that’s when her kids go to the extreme. The last time she smacked her second daughter's open palm was when she disobeyed her order to stop unraveling her older sister's crochet project . . . for the fifth time.
She swears, it was enough to send me to the loony bin. But when you're exhausted from doing chores, worrying about having to pay the bills, and trying to keep your sanity, well, you're bound to snap and use the hand when your children defy you over and over in a span of sixty minutes or less.
Still, spanking when doled out frequently is just as destructive as the behavior you abhor in your child. Studies show that the more often a child is spanked, the greater is the risk of childhood aggression and other antisocial behaviors such as lying, cheating and bullying. Children who are raised with spankings are less likely to learn right from wrong, and are more likely to misbehave behind their parent's backs.
There are other ways to discipline your child without resorting to spanking. Here are some of them:
1. Be firm and be kind. A child is more likely to hear what you're saying if you use a neutral tone.
2. Pause. There's nothing wrong with saying: "I'm too angry to deal with this now. We'll talk about it later."
3. Teach your kids. Instead of punishing a child for misbehaving, think in terms of teaching him to behave. "I don't like it when you leave your skateboard in the front hall. Next time, please put it in the mudroom. How can I help you remember?"
4. Be positive. Instead of saying, "How many times do I need to ask you to brush your teeth?" Say, "Go brush your teeth and let me know when you've finished so I can tuck you in."
5. Give explanations, not threats. By giving your child a brief explanation of why she needs to do as she's told, you give her a reason to behave.
6. Refuse to get angry. Instead of focusing on your child's misbehavior and working yourself into lather, think of each conflict as an opportunity to guide and direct your child.
7. Give incentives. Inspire your child to cooperate with phrases like, "It's time to go. Why don't you go down the slide one more time and then let's hustle. I want to get home in time to make cookies."
8. Be flexible. If your little one asks, "Can I just finish watching this show before we go?", be reasonable. If you have the time to spare, make room for your child's requests. This is a great way for kids to learn about the art of negotiation.
9. Drop out of power struggles. Nothing is as frustrating or less productive as having a showdown with your little one. Invite your child to cooperate by saying something like, "I've got a problem. I want you to wear a clean shirt and you insist on wearing the same old one every day. How can we solve this problem?" Your child is more likely to cooperate if he comes up with the solution.
10. Be smart. Parents will often deal with problems in a set manner, even if their approach isn't helping. If what you're doing isn't working, find a more effective way to handle the problem. Tip: It's much easier to change your approach than it is to change your child. Ask yourself, "What can I do differently that will inspire a better reaction from my child?"
TIP: Remember these three important rules about punishment:
• Don't assign a punishment when you're angry.
• Don't use punishment as revenge.
• A more severe punishment is not necessarily a better one.
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